Discovering Me

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

An Epiphany

I used to think that I was one of the neglected. No one in my ward ever remembered my birthday. When I moved to a new ward, they didn't bother to get to know me or to give me a calling right away. I focused on these things because I wanted others to see how I was neglected and how I still stayed strong in the church. I cared too much about what other people thought of me. My focus was always on how I was the exception to the rule. Whenever I learned about the duties of the members of the church, I always paid attention to how people didn't fulfill those duties when it came to me.

One day, within the last year, it occurred to me that it didn't matter what other people did or didn't do. What mattered was whether I did or didn't do what was expected of me. I started paying more attention in church when we learned about duties of the members. I started trying to change my approach. I worked on improving myself so that I would be more use to others.

I changed my view of visiting teaching. My responsibilities as a visiting teacher are to make sure the sisters I visit can trust me and that they feel welcomed and wanted in the ward.

The biggest impact on visiting teaching that I experienced was through my visiting teacher. She told a story about her sister who lived away from home and family. She was going through a really tough time, and my visiting teacher wanted nothing more than to be there for her sister. She couldn't be there, but she knew that the women in her sister's RS were there for her. She knew her visiting teachers were taking care of her.

This impressed me because I would hope that my sister was being taken care of when I can't be there for her.

The Relief of Society

As I mentioned in That's Too Expensive, I was a little jealous of my sisters and their sense of belonging.

Being a part of something became particularly important to me earlier this year because I was getting ready to graduate. I would no longer be a part of an institution. I would be all on my own with no ties to any group of people. This is when I realized just how important Relief Society is.

Relief Society represents to me a group of women in my area who are, for the most part, striving for the same things. We are all searching for truth. We have a similar background knowledge and testimony of Jesus Christ, and of the restored gospel, and of the Book of Mormon. Each of us has the desire to do good and to better ourselves in our own eyes and in the eyes of the Lord.

I came to realize this year just how important Relief Society (RS) is. I discovered the importance of visiting teaching and of getting to know the other women in my ward's RS. I am part of an organization that needs me and my skills and talents. I have made so many friends through RS.

Although I have some family nearby, The women in my RS are essential in my life, because they are around me every week, if not every day. I see them all the time. They represent a support group for me when I am struggling or when I am trying to progress. They are there to back me up and build me up. They help me to move forward and get back on my feet when I fall.

Through serving the women of my RS, I have learned more about myself than I ever imagined I could. I came to realize that I learn more about myself when I focus on other people and their needs. As a member of the church I have a responsibility to look after and care for the other members of the church.

Stay tuned for An Epiphany.

That's too expensive!

I know these posts are coming out really fast, but I need to write all these posts in order, and I need to get to The Challenge because I'm already a couple days late. Ahhhh!

Anyway, on to the topic of this post. My lovely sister Big Sis started this program called Dressing Your Truth (DYT) about a year ago, give or take a month or two. She learned all about the four types that Carol Tuttle teaches in her program (1: bright, animated; 2: soft, subtle; 3: rich, dynamic; 4: bold, striking).

Big Sis, a type 2, started dressing different, she started dressing her truth. She began wearing clothes that fit her inner expression better. She learned how to do her hair and makeup to match her inner expression.

Her type 2, subtle, soft, flowing nature needed to be manifested in her outward appearance in order for her to feel herself. She became more confident and more natural. She is more understanding of others. She has become a more complete version of herself. She had presence before, but now she really holds her own.

Those who know her certainly noticed the difference DYT made in her life. And if you didn't notice, you certainly heard all about it. :D Big Sis loves talking about the four types and is always willing to share her knowledge. She shared several youtube videos with me on the subject. If you're interested, you can youtube Dressing Your Truth and several videos of Carol Tuttle and DYT come up.

I was a little familiar with the program because I had some prior exposure to a similar one a few years earlier. I knew enough about the basics of the program that I could tell you my type right away. I didn't have access to the unlimited resources Big Sis had, because I didn't buy the course. I thought I knew enough about it that I didn't need to spend the money on it. I'm a poor college student; give me a break.

Next thing I know, my sister-in-law Jeighbee gets the course. I watch as Big Sis and Jeighbee change before my eyes. They go from beautiful women, to beautiful, confident, strong women. I admit I was a little jealous of them. They were part of this club together where they got to learn about themselves and how to live and dress according to their true natures. Every month they met up with other women in the area who would come together to celebrate their strengths and beauty. They made lots of friends in DYT, and they now have a creative outlet.

Up Next on Discovering Me: watch for The Relief of Society and That's Still too Expensive.

The First Steps to Self Discovery Part 2

My original post was this one and Part 1 together, but that is so super long. So I broke it up at a relatively good place to break.

Last year I was really quite dependent. I was uncomfortable driving, so whenever possible, I got other people to drive for me. I didn't like doing things alone, so I always had someone with me. I was dependent in other areas as well because I was insecure about driving and going places alone.

As I thought of things I could do to improve myself, I started trying to do things on my own. I made plans instead of always waiting for other people to make them. When I found a need to go somewhere I just went instead of waiting for someone to go with or to drive me. I continued making these small changes in my life even after Rex and I broke up. I didn't really tell anyone that I was aware of my dependency or that I was trying to overcome it, but I know that those closest to me noticed a difference in me even if they didn't know exactly what it was. I certainly noticed a difference in myself.

I was more confident and started doing things because I wanted to do them. I started owning up to my choices and my decisions. I started making decisions. I started doing things that took me out of my comfort zone. I had reasons for doing things; I had purpose to my life.

That fall semester I was taking a Doctrine and Covenants class. Reading the Doctrine and Covenants and learning about what the Lord wants from his saints was another critical influence on my road to independence. I learned that the Lord wants his people to be self reliant. I started thinking about what that means.

To me It means being more independent; obviously I'm still interdependent with Christ, but I can't be dependent on anyone else. I need to know things for myself. I need to be confident enough to do things for myself. I need to be spiritually self reliant. All of these things are important because the Lord requires his people to serve one another and to help each other. I realized that I can't do either if I am always so worried about myself. So I made changes.

Tune in next time to hear me say, That's too expensive!

The First Steps to Self Discovery

As promised, this post will cover the first things I discovered about myself.

I was watching Runaway Bride about this time last year. I had never seen it before, but I had been told a little about the plot. Basically, this woman has left several men at the altar because she doesn't know herself. The main guy of the movie figures this out about her. He asks each of her grooms how she likes her eggs; one says "the same way I do, scrambled," another says, "the same way I do, fried," this happens with all the grooms. This woman was so unsure of herself that she never took the time to really decide anything.

At first I thought it was silly that she couldn't say how she liked eggs, but then I realized that I wasn't so different. There were things about me that I had never figured out or decided. For example, I never made plans. I would purposely keep my day free of any plans other than school and work just in case my boyfriend suddenly had free time and wanted to spend it with me. This rarely happened. What did happen was that I sat at home bored out of my mind, thus being forced to watch movies by myself (Runaway Bride).

I didn't understand why my boyfriend (we'll call him Rex) always had other plans than spending time with me. He would plan to do things with his buddies. He started suggesting I plan things with my roommates because friends are vital to survival. I was a little annoyed at this but I soon relied on the times I spent with my roommates. I usually spent more time with them then I did with Rex, which at the time, I didn't think made any sense.

While I sat at home with nothing to do, I started realizing that I was wasting my time waiting. I was waiting for a text or a phone call that was never coming; I was waiting for something important to happen to me, but it never did. One day, it hit me that I could be doing productive things while I waited, things that would help me to improve.

And that started my journey. Stay tuned.

Friday, September 23, 2011

The Journey

Hi.

I am making a comeback to the blogging world.

I have been searching and searching for something that I have lost, or perhaps, I never really had it. I didn't realize I was missing it until about a year ago. It occurred to me that I was missing a very crucial part of my being. I was missing myself.

I began my search for me just under a year ago. I was in a relationship, but it wasn't working out so well. I couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. I mean, come on, I was trying my best to be everything this guy wanted me to be. What I didn't see was that he wanted me to be myself. I hadn't ever thought that I was not being myself. I guess I didn't really know what it meant to be myself.

Through the relationship I was in, I discovered that until I figured out who I was and what I wanted, I would never be able to be in a relationship. After all, isn't being in a relationship merely just being yourself with someone else? The most important thing I learned was that I would never believe that other people truly cared about or liked me until I truly cared about and liked myself. This started me wondering, who am I?

I never really met myself. Would I find myself likable? Would I be friends with myself? Would we like the same things, have the same interests? These questions were some of the things I asked myself as I prepared to meet myself. I mean, who was I expecting to meet? The me I did know didn't like having opinions because she didn't like confrontation or arguments. She found it much safer to hold back all judgments and opinions because then she never had to worry.

To be continued...

Next time on Discovering Me:

Find out what one of the first things I learned on my journey to meeting myself was.

I am going to review my experiences on this blog. You lovely followers get to experience what it's like to be me. Lucky you. I have come a long way in the past year and I hope to write about the experiences I've had since then, but more importantly I am currently involved in some other study opportunities where I get to know myself even better. YaY! Stay tuned for the fun adventure!